Bigfooting around

From the forthcoming Floozy Goes Forth

Most Bigfoot encounters are benign with only glimpses of the creatures in the woods or darting across a field or disappearing into a forest. However, sometimes the creatures throw huge rocks, shake cabins and RVs, tear into food supplies, hit hunters and joggers, destroy tents, drink entire cases of beer, and run up large bills with Amazon. Basically, this means Bigfoot might simply be a hairy soccer hooligan. Or, as the rest of the world calls soccer, “Football.” (Their term for our version of the sport in which humans hurl their bodies against each other—NFL, NCAA, AFL, or Black Friday—is “America football” or “blamed foolishness with all those protective pads and helmets.”)

I am neutral in regard to Bigfoot. I don’t disbelieve it, but I don’t believe in it. I’m like a Free Range United Unitarian talking about God: the jury is still out. It would be nice if Bigfoot existed just like it would be wonderful to find other mythical creatures such as dragons, elves, unicorns, and fair, balanced cable news. And who wouldn’t want to see an honest politician in its natural environment attacking lobbyists and jumping over bribes? Of course, if we found an honest politician, we will need to find a mate for it. Perhaps instigate a careful breeding program until the species recovers. (Excerpted from the forthcoming Floozy Goes Forth. Copyright 2023 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.)