Louder!

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"Anything from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."

"How does it work?" asked the customer.

 "For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder." 

Truth & Lies

A minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned that the boys might be hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is a stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whoever can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

"You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" the minister exclaimed. He then launched into a ten-minute sermon against lying, ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute, then the smallest boy sighed and said, "All right, give him the dog." 

FORE!

After a bad game of golf, a club member was walking to the parking lot to get his car when a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.

"Well, your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield," the policeman said. "The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and a building burned down. So what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and said, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip, and lower my right thumb."

Have a Laugh!

Floozy Comes Back

By Stephen B. Bagley

Humorist Stephen B. Bagley returns with a collection of 80 more wild & wacky tales from his decidedly different life. Includes the fan favorites: 
Spice Boy, A Tale of Two Goldfish, Tanning My Hide, Kindle the Barbarian, Much Ado About Carbs, Congress & Other Monstrous Things, Work in Your Underwear, Mr. Manners Speaks, The Terrible Truth About Women, and many more!
Don't miss the shocking Story of the Second Thanksgiving and the Pilgram exposé Pillorying: A Spectator Sport! Give the gift of laughter this Christmas with Floozy Comes Back!

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A Word from Our Sponsor

Tales from Bethlehem By Stephen B. Bagley

You've heard the story a thousand times: glorious angels, lowly shepherds, brightly shining star, three Wise Men, and wee babe in a manger. But have you ever wondered about everyone else in tiny Bethlehem on that marvel of nights? What did they think? What did they do? In these funny and touching tales, you'll meet a stable boy, a serving girl, an honest spy, an astounding clerk, an empty innkeeper, a mighty ship of the desert, and many others as they share their amazing Tales from Bethlehem.

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Little Things

The Saints of Little Things

Let us now praise

the saints of little things,

the cherished saints

of coffee and bright mornings,

hugs from children and grands,

the laughter of our friends,

leftover Halloween candy,

warm blankets fresh from the dryer,

contented purrs from contented cats,

rolly puppies and happy dogs,

songs sang loudly slightly off-key

old TV shows streaming all seasons,

worn jeans and comfortable shoes,

blue skies during the day,

nights filled with stars—

your sweet kiss on my lips.

(Copyright 2022 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.)

He has a plan

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where he could be released.

The head of the institution decided to interview him first. "Tell me," said the head doctor, "if we release you, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The man said, "I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, which will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the patient. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is a considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences."

"An interesting possibility," said the head doctor.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teapot."

Necessary

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Cynthia Sue was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such a long duration.

Cynthia Sue responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness—and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

Ouch!

Out bicycling one day with her eight-year-old granddaughter, Joyce got a little wistful. "In ten years," Joyce said, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now."

The granddaughter shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway." 

Verify

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. 

What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.  

Swingin' through the trees

Tarzan, the Ape Man, comes home exhausted and falls on the treehouse couch, moaning with his aches and pains.

"Rough day?" asks Jane sympathetically.

He takes a deep breath and replies, “Jane, it's a jungle out there!”

A small misunderstanding

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job," he said as he handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something, he asked, "What's the matter? Did you forget something?"

"Nope," replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

Stormy weather

One evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."  

Somethin' to brag about

Shooting the breeze down at the cafe, a trio of veterans ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors.

"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," said vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today, he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

A fair joke

A couple went to a fair. The husband, who had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$20 for 3 minutes," the pilot replied.

"That's too much," said the wife firmly.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your husband ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you'll have to pay me the $20."

The couple agreed and went for a thrilling ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the wife, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave woman."

"Maybe so," said the wife, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my husband fell out."