YULE TIDINGS ON SALE NOW!

Yule Tidings, the latest anthology from the writing group Prosateurs, is on sale now. The holiday-themed anthology celebrates Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s with works of fiction and nonfiction.

“Besides making the perfect Christmas gift, Yule Tidings is great for planning your parties and get-togethers, too,” said Kathy Akins, Prosateurs vice president. “We have articles on easy party preparations and, of course, delicious recipes. And the stories, memoirs, essays, and poems will get you into the holiday spirit. It’s the perfect book to curl up with.”

Yule Tidings features works from these authors:

Kathy Akins has won several awards with her poetry, devotionals, and short fiction. Her short stories and poetry have been published in Prosateurs: Tales & Truth, Blackbirds Third Flight, Creations 2015, and Creations 2014. She is a member of Oklahoma Writers Federation, Inc., Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators, and American Christian Fiction Writers. Visit her website at kathyakins.blogspot.com.

Debbie Anderson wrote the suspense novel Friend or Foe in 2018. Its sequel, Predators Among Us, will be published in early 2020. She writes short stories, memoirs, novels, children’s stories, and how-to books. She has been published in Prosateurs: Tales & Truth, Creations 2018, and Creations 2017.

Stephen B. Bagley's latest book is Floozy Comes Back, a collection of humorous essays. He co-wrote Undying, a book of dark poetry. His other books include: Murder by Dewey Decimal, Murder by the Acre, Tales from Bethlehem, Floozy and Other Stories, and Endless. His plays include: Murder at the Witch’s Cottage, Two Writers in the Hands of an Angry God, There’s a Body in the Closet, and Hogwild. His poetry, articles, short stories, and essays have appeared in Prosateurs: Tales & Truth, Writer’s Digest, Blackbirds First Flight, Blackbirds Second Flight, Blackbirds Third Flight, ByLine Magazine, Nautilus Magazine, Pontotoc County Chronicles, Tulsa World’s OKMagazine, Free Star, Dark Prairies & Deep Rivers, the Creations anthologies 2012-2015, and other publications. He is a member of Oklahoma Writers Federation, Inc. Visit his website at StephenBBagley.blogspot.com.

Wendy Blanton wrote Dawn Before the Dark, the first book in a fantasy trilogy, which was published by the Christian fantasy publisher Bear Publications in the fall of 2019. She also co-wrote three fantasy novels, The Dragon’s Lady, Rogue Pawn, and Sword and Scabbard, under the name Elizabeth Joy. Her short stories, articles, and recipes have appeared in Prosateurs: Tales & Truth, Blackbirds First Flight, Blackbirds Second Flight, and Blackbirds Third Flight. She is a member of Realm Makers and Oklahoma Writers Federation, Inc. Visit her website at wendyblanton.com.

Debra E. Chandler’s debut novel, Bone Sliver, was published in 2015, and the sequel, Nova Wave, in 2018. Weathered, a collection of her short works and poems, was also released in 2018. Her short stories, poems, photographs, and articles were also published in Prosateurs: Tales & Truth, Blackbirds Third Flight, The Green Country Guardian, The Sapulpa Herald, and Sapulpa News and Views. She is a member of Oklahoma Writers Federation, Inc. and Oklahoma Bloggers and Influencers. Visit her website at dechandlerwrites.com.

Barbara Shepherd is the 2019 Voice of the Fair Poet, the Poetry Society of Oklahoma’s 2019 Poet Laureate, and recipient of more than 350 writing awards in local, regional, national, and international contests. Her books include: The Potbelly Pig Promise, River Bend, Vittles and Vignettes, and Patchwork Skin. Her writing has also appeared in: State Cops Cooking in the Heartland - More Than We Can Say Grace Over, Candle Flames: PSO’s 70th Anniversary Anthology, Oklahoma Centennial Heritage Collection, Harp Strings, A Centennial Celebration of Oklahoma Stories, travelin’ Music, Elegant Rage, Poetry Is For Everyone, Imagination Turned Loose, Beads On a String–Peace, Joy, and Love, From the Heart of Galaxy, Ain't Gonna Be Treated This Way, and other publications. Visit her website at barbarashepherd.com.

Joanne Verbridge was born in Oakland, California, spending her early life experiences in Northern California. Family brought her to Oklahoma where she enjoys writing memoirs and crafting. She works to inspire her young nieces to take an interest in storytelling and writing. Her memoirs, short stories, and articles have been published in newspapers and Prosateurs: Tales & Truth, Creations 2015, Creations 2014, Creations 2013, and Creations 2012.

Yule Tidings is now available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, BooksAMillion, Lulu, and other online retailers, and from the Prosateurs members while supplies last. For more information, including book signing dates and locations, visit Prosateurs.blogspot.com.

In the Valley of the Dead

In the Valley of the Dead

Make no songs that say our names;
we will not listen now.
Don’t compose poems to sing our virtues;
past small things, we do not care.
Do not praise us in speeches
written to glorify the cause;
eulogies are said by sly politicians.

If you truly would honor us,
walk quietly among white wildflowers.
Share memories of your families,
the children we cherished, the babies’
first steps, the turning of the world—
the stones hold us down, down, down,
and we cannot see beyond the loam.

Was our falling worth the cost?
Some say yes and others say no;
we do not care about the words,
the many falsehoods. the justifying.
Let us lie quietly here; our sorrows
vanquished as strife is not—wait,
what sound is that? A trumpet calls—

Copyright 2019 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

Have Some Laughs!

Floozy and Other Stories 

by Stephen B. Bagley

Got two nuns and a goat? Do you enjoy Sabbath Night Fever? Or own a flying robot monkey army serving our Alien Masters? If you do - and even if you don't - this is the book for you! Enjoy humorist Stephen B. Bagley's views of our world in more than 80 hilarious tales from his decidedly different life.

Buy on Amazon!

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Floozy Comes Back
by Stephen B. Bagley
Humorist Stephen B. Bagley returns with a new collection of wild and wacky tales from his decidedly different life. Enjoy these stories: Spice Boy, A Tale of Two Goldfish, Tanning My Hide, Kindle the Barbarian, The Fine Art of Sighing, Pumpkin Pinterest, Mr. Manners Speaks, Much Ado About Carbs, Congress & Other Monstrous Things, Work in Your Underwear, The Terrible Truth About Women, and many, many more!
Buy on Amazon!

Ocean View

Happy Saturday to you. I've been gone, occupied with a serious illness that affected a precious family member (who is improving), my own illness (improving but exhausted), and all the rest of life's little surprises.

You seem to have done okay while I was gone. Some of you still happy, some of you still sad, some of you still between, some of you sadly still freakishly paranoid, but most of us are still at sea, battling the waves, enjoying calm days under the sun, and being braced by the wind that fills our sails.

In other words, that's life, and I'm glad we're making the journey together. I'm going to try to post more often here. Hope some readers are still with me. I promise more jokes, more stories, more books, more life, God willing.

And sometimes we will just gaze at the far horizon together and drift, thinking of things to come. Let's set sail!

From "Floozy Goes Forth"

Mona Lisa in Glitter & Glue
By Stephen B. Bagley

I have been watching a lot of YouTube lately. I had always avoided it before because I figured it was filled with the generally loud and useless noise that permeates social media these days. (Twitter, I’m pointing at you.) But a friend shared a link to a crafting video on YouTube, and I was intrigued enough to watch a crafter turn 200 straws and a bargain store round mirror into a “sunburst décor item” with a can of gold paint and a hot glue gun. It looked nice, although I did wonder if there is actually a decorating school known as “sunburst décor.” I wouldn’t know since my home decorating school is “Junk Everywhere” and our motto is “Leave It Where It Falls.”

YouTube, with the help of tracking cookies and sinister magic, knew I had watched a crafting video, so they suggested another crafting video, this one involving building a sturdy bookshelf with cardboard and lots of hot glue. Naturally, I had to watch that one, too. I’m nothing if not suggestible. Then another video popped up, and five hours later, I emerged dazed at all the amazing things I had seen.

You might think I would be inspired by all these videos to start crafting. But, of course, you’re wrong once again. Sometimes I’m not sure you’re stalking me as diligently as you should. I tried a bit of crafting years ago and gave it up after a nasty hot glue burn on my nose. (I was looking at a project closely, okay?) Besides, I would spend hours and hours on a project, finish it with a real sense of accomplishment, finally look at it, and then throw it with great force into the trash bin because it was batweaselbutt ugly. I don’t have the crafting genes, and I couldn’t craft jeans, either.

But the people on YouTube can craft EVERYTHING! If you told me that some crafter had made a running replica of 1952 Buick out of pipe cleaners, glitter, wire, cardboard boxes, and a box of hair pins, I would believe you—as long as you mentioned they used hot glue. ‘Cause hot glue holds the crafting world together both figuratively and literally.

Hot glue has advanced a lot since I gave myself second-degree burns while attempting to make a Christmas wreath. It now comes in a rainbow of colors, including glittering metallic hues. And I do mean glittering. Despite the fact that glitter is the cockroach of the crafter world—it gets everywhere and it’s impossible to get rid of—it’s used like it could cure humanity of all our ills. I can’t look at it without remembering that the dust of Mars is also sharp due to the lack of erosion and would deliver a thousand cuts to your lungs if you breathed it as would glitter, except the later would give you the dreaded “glitter-lung” disease that strikes down so many crafters in their prime. This is one of the reasons I won’t go to Mars and certainly not with glitter. That’s asking for trouble as all the astronauts know. Oh, frightening thought: glitter in zero gravity! Let’s see Matt Damon deal with that!

I must mention a disturbing advancement in the hot glue world: they now have low temperature glue and guns! Yes, instead of having use glue at volcanic temperatures that can etch glass, they get to use glue that stings, but doesn’t eat down to the bone. This is just wrong! We are supposed to suffer for our art. SUFFER! If you really want to be the Leonardo da Vinci of the crafting world, use only the high temperature glue. As a plus, the scars will be a wonderful conversation starter at crafting hoedowns and church rummage sales, although you probably shouldn’t expect to date much.

Not that a true crafter wants to date. No, a true crafter wants to spend their life passion on creating a lovely Christmas elf house out of a metal hanger, cereal boxes, aluminum foil, plastic wrap, modeling clay, miniature lights, paint, and hot glue. They also spend hours on their projects. On their videos, they cheat and speed up the action until they’re moving as fast as the Flash. This lures you into thinking you could do the same in a couple of hours when actually it’s a week or month—if you’re lucky. I watched one video where the female crafter was thin, pregnant, and then thin again with a baby crawling through the scene. I just realized the baby was actually crafted, too, but she and the father didn’t make a video of it, I hope.

A big movement among the crafters is recycling or upcycling what would be trash, but is used as crafting supplies—“Trash into Treasure” as it is so charmingly phrased. Regrettably, some of the videos are more along the lines of “Trash into Trash Covered with Hot Glue and Glitter.” You wonder why their friends don’t pull them aside and tell them the truth about their Styrofoam cup and rainbow colored cat litter centerpiece. No, I’m not making this up. Maybe their friends don’t want to hurt the crafter’s feelings and maybe the crafter is still armed with the hot glue gun. Better safe than a trip to the burn unit.

Some people even make things out of hot glue. That’s right. No materials, only hot glue sticks and hot glue. Watching one person construct a lacy bowl out of bronze hot glue, I realized the latest 3D printers are only computerized hot glue guns. Those crafters are simply using hot glue in its natural form. They even use hot glue to create beautiful and intriguing paintings that would grace any wall— particularly if you like “sunburst décor” and who doesn’t? What did you say? Well, you don’t have any taste then.

Seriously, I’ve seen wondrous landscapes, still life, nautical and historical themes, animals, and even portraits done in hot glue. Somehow, the heat and fumes lift the crafters into a mentally heightened state. If Leonardo could have had access to hot glue, we might have seen an entirely different take on the Mona Lisa, perhaps enhanced by glitter and pipe cleaners.

YouTube has many categories of crafting that use materials such as: copy paper, balloons, plastic bags, empty medicine bottles, soda can tabs, compact discs, rubber bands, yard sticks, sticks from your yard, soft drink bottles, pens, plastic and paper straws, broken dinner places, cow horns, wire, gum wrappers, wrapping paper, aluminum foil, modeling clay, gourds...oh, the list goes on forever. YouTube is the place where you learn if all those projects you saw on Pinterest are possible. And if they shouldn’t be made to protect humanity.

But if—for some reason you should never share—you have a box of painted fingernail clippings you can’t part with, YouTube is where to find videos on how to craft with them. You weirdo.

(From the forthcoming book Floozy Goes Forth. Copyright 2019 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved. Thank you for reading.)

Fitness Goal: Another Way to Say Insanity

"Fitness Goal: Just Another Way to Say Insanity"
By Stephen B. Bagley

A friend of mine set a fitness goal to climb a mountain. Naturally, we immediately attempted to have her committed on grounds of general insanity, but a judge told us that climbing a mountain is not a sign of mental illness. We have to abide by his ruling, although it’s hard to trust a man in such an unflattering dress. A bit of color on his collar and sleeves  would brighten up the whole courtroom and give it a much needed festive air, particularly during sentencing.

I’ve always had a love/hate/hate/LOATHE relationship with fitness goals, mostly because I never reach one. If I do set one, there’s a good deal on tacos, and that’s the end of that. But they’re good. I mean, the tacos are good, not the goals.

Okay, fine, fitness goals are good. But they’re hard to achieve, particularly if your trainer is so small-minded that he/she doesn’t accept Recliner Lounging as an exercise, even though it takes a lot of skill to balance a plate of food, dessert, a drink, a bucket of fried chicken and biscuits, napkins, and several remotes on your stomach as you watch the latest episode of My 600-Lb. Life. As you watch the show, you wonder how those poor people got that large as you eat a couple of biscuits slathered in brown gravy. It’s a mystery.

Probably giving up biscuits and fried chicken should be one of your fitness goals, but let’s not talk crazy, man. Instead, maybe you could get one of  those fitness watches and gradually increase your steps until you’re walking over 100,000 steps a day! Then you look around and wonder where you are and why bears are circling you. Probably you should have taken up running, but instead you’re giving the wild animals lean meat, which is so much better than the fatty tourists they usually dine on.

I have a fitness watch. At first, it was fun to count how many steps I had and read the little messages of encouragement that showed on its tiny screen. “Go, Stephen! You’re doing great!” But after a few months, the messages took a mean tone: “So...that’s all you’re doing? Are you even trying? I’m ashamed. I’m the laughingstock of all the other watches, buddy! LAUGHINGSTOCK!” I find forgetting to charge its battery shuts it up.

You can choose to eat healthy, but it’s hard to choose a diet among all the thousands out there. It’s even harder because every diet says the other diets don’t work and might probably possibly perhaps KILL you, although this statement hasn’t been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and probably never will be if their lobbyists are effective.

Still, you must choose. Pick one of these: Mediterranean, DASH, Flexitarian (the favorite among Vulcans), MIND, Volumetrics (Defender of the Unibelly), TLC, Ornish, Fertility, Nordic, Flat Belly, Nutritarian (sworn enemies of the Flexitarians), Vegan, Glycemic Index (you don’t what to know the GI of Hostess Twinkies), Zone, Abs, Macrobiotic (not just biotics, but macrobiotics!), Optavia, Paleo, Raw Food, Supercharged Hormone (the favorite of all the super heroes), Keto, Spark, Weight Watchers, SlimFast, Mayo Clinic (which is not based on mayonnaise as I had excitedly thought), and so on. I found more than 100 different diets while exhaustively searching the Internet for a second or two. I’m sure there are more out there, but I can tell you now that none of them allow you to devour Hostess Twinkies(TM) by the box. Life is bitter.

Let’s say you’ve chosen your diet,  and now you must choose your exercise routine. Fortunately, hundreds of routines are available. Thousands. Pick one. Or two. Several. Doesn’t matter. You will hate it soon after you start. A friend  started a rigorous exercise plan and said he loved it from the beginning. I’ve never trusted him since then. A man who will lie about that will lie about other things, too.

Besides sweating like a horse and also smelling like one, maybe you want to spend a lot of money on machinery that’s dangerous and ugly. You can buy a fitness machine! There are many models to choose from. They will let you walk, run, gallop, row, flex, bend, perforate, shred, shriek, cross country ski, hike, bicycle, mountain bike, climb stairs, jump hurdles, float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, plank, kayak, vibrate, invert, box...and you can do all these things without leaving your home. Which means emergency services won’t have to waste precious time looking for you when the time comes. And it will.

I would have said “without leaving the privacy of your home,” but many new machines feature a “social aspect” where other people can chart your progress—or lack thereof—and even see you on their machines’ monitors. This is supposed to inspire friendly competition, much in the way the Romans inspired competition by tossing people in an arena and letting them run from hungry lions. This both revealed the fastest and the tastiest.

You might also need a bigger house. Some of the machines are large. If you can fit, say, a 1965 Dodge Dart in your bedroom, then you can safely have an exercise machine to hang clothes on.

The curious thing about all this running, hiking, biking, rowing, etc. is that you’re not actually going anywhere. After all that activity, you will still be in the same room. When you’re walking outside, you will end up somewhere—probably an ER—but somewhere besides where you started.

Another curious thing—well, I’m curious about it even if you’re not—is people are actually dressing up before they exercise in their OWN HOME. Women put on makeup, men put on pants, and then when they’re finished, they have to shower and get dressed again! I guess if you run around in sweat pants and t-shirts all day, you’re set. Otherwise, it seems a waste of laundry. A friend of mine has an expensive bike with video camera. She covered the camera with a towel and says she won’t uncover it until she looks as good as the people in the bike’s TV commercials. She says to check back with her in five years. It’s a good plan, particularly since all sorts of things could happen to the bike before then. They don’t last forever. They do break down. Accidentally sometimes.

My friend who is planning to climb the mountain says you’re not the same person at the beginning of an exercise regimen as you are at the end. You’re a fitter, better version with more confidence and discipline that will make your entire life better. She’s always saying crazy crap like that. I think the judge is plain wrong, and I will file an appeal as soon as I finish off this lovely box of Twinkies.

(Copyright 2019 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved. No copying or sharing without express written permission of the author and publisher. Thank you for reading.)