Floozy takes Barnes and Noble!

For reasons that surpass my understanding, Barnes and Noble has launched Floozy Comes Back today! I didn't even know she was back in the States!

Here's the link: Floozy takes Barnes and Noble!

"Catchy Tune, but Can You Cuss to It?"

The other day I heard a song on the radio. It had a catchy beat and noises that vaguely sounded like words. I liked it—right up until I got home and looked up the lyrics. Then I hunted down the singers, washed their dirty mouths out with lye soap, enrolled the boys in military school, and sent the girl singer to a nunnery. Then I shot their record producer and dropped his body in an alligator-filled swamp. Just a regular Saturday for me actually.

I think this means I am officially old and not in tune with modern music. In fact, I’m only a few years away from sitting on my porch and yelling for the neighbor kids to get off my lawn, those young snotfaces with their iPhone this and iPad that. They’re going to be mighty surprised when my iCane impacts their smart-alecky heads. They’ll probably run home crying, “iHurt! iHurt! iHurt!” Whiners. Or more correctly iWhiners.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

Travels with Floozy

Okay, I really haven't been jealous of Floozy's world travels until now. Isn't this lovely? She's visiting the beautiful Lake Louise located in the Banff National Park in Alberta Canada. Lake Louise is one of the most visited lakes in Canada, and you can see why. #FloozyCB

"Attack of the Flying Tapeworm"

"Tattoo Buyer Regret" AKA "Attack of the Flying Tapeworm"

A friend of mine got her first tattoo recently. She had wanted one for years, she told me, and she finally took the plunge. (Plunge being an apt word choice in this instance, as you will see if you keep reading and why wouldn’t you? It’s not like you have much of a social life.)

She wanted something “tasteful but cheerful.” She found an illustration of those charming but theologically unsound cherubs painted by the Renaissance artist Raphael and decided one of those cute winged angels would permanently fly on her left shoulder. She priced various tattoo artists and located one with the lowest prices. His establishment was clean, and he was courteous and professional. All in all, an unremarkable event, except she probably should have found an artist who charged more.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

Floozy arrives!

My copies of Floozy Comes Back are here! Woohoo! Now, what does that mean for her online debut? I don't know. I'm not sure either is connected, but I have my copies! So that's good!

My mistake

Because I made the mistake of saying this day couldn't get any worse, Floozy Comes Back ran into a problem at the publisher. It's fixed, but it's off schedule now. I know she will go on sale on Lulu.com on the 30th. I'm hoping Amazon, Barnes & Noble, BAM!, and the others will also have her on sale that day. If not, they will have her the first or second week of August. Right now, they're saying they will "attempt" to hit the July 30th date. We'll see. Of course, I will have my copies by then so the local folks will be able to get it. There's no particular charm about the 30th, but it happens to be my birthday and I thought it would be a cool thing to have her premiere on that day. Okay, universe, you proved your point. I won't say that particular phrase ever again!

Oh, here's Floozy under the island palms. Where I'd like to be.

"The Fine Art of SIghing"

My old computer died. You would have thought I lost a beloved pet by the way I moped around my house for a couple of weeks. During that time, my answer to any question was a sigh of despair with a hint of brave long-suffering and a touch of woe-is-me. It was one of my finest series of sighs.

Not that I’m the master of sighing. No, that title belongs to my brother. He can create sighs that are the verbal equivalent of the Mona Lisa. For some unaccountable reason, I am the cause of many of his sighs, and I can tell you they are capable of making strong men weep or at least check to see if the tires of their cars are leaking. His sighs convey the overall theme of “my brother is nuts and why am I burdened with him” with layers of such emotions as “life is a mystery of sadness and joy” and “geese fly south in the winter as the year moves toward its end.”

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

"To A Fault"

Whenever something terrible happens, you should always ask yourself, “Is Stephen okay?” If so, then it’s not that terrible. At least not for me, and I’m sure we all agree that’s what’s really important. Naturally, I’m concerned about you, too, and will do anything to help you—as long as I’m not greatly inconvenienced or busy or my favorite shows aren’t on TV. I have to have priorities, which I know you understand because I’m such a high priority for you.

To a judgmental person, it might possibly sound like I’m self absorbed, but let’s be honest, if you were as awesome as me—if that were even possible, and frankly, it’s not—you’d be self-absorbed, too. I’m definitely marvelous. People are fascinated by me, particularly doctors who want to study me in a specially controlled environment.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

"Those Whom Gods Would Destroy…Publish First"

It recently occurred to me that people do foolish things all the time. Even now someone is thinking about running for president, which is doubly silly since no sane person wants that job and the next presidential election has already been decided by our alien overlords. But be that as it may, I was thinking about those people who wake up one day and say, “I’d like to publish a book!” And even though that only leads to madness and worse, off they go.

I speak from experience. I’m in the middle of publishing a book right now. It’s been nearly three years since my last publication, mostly because it took me that long to recover. However, my creditors were hounding me again, and I embarked on another publishing voyage somewhat similar to that undertaken by the Titanic, but more tragic since it involves me.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

"Je ne parle pas Français!*"

I keep trying to learn French even though it’s obvious I will never master it with enough expertise to not horrify a Frenchman. I once had dinner in a French restaurant and attempted to impress the waiter with my French. With an expression on his face like he had a severe case of constipation, he attempted to repeat my order to me in bad English while I attempted to correct him in bad French. I would have gone hungry except the menu had pictures on it, so I was able to point at items and received excellent food. I’m not sure what it was, but it used a lot of garlic, cream, and butter, and how could you go wrong with that?

I don’t even know why I want to learn French. I have no particular desire to travel to France, although it seems lovely and they did give us the Statue of Liberty, which is much nicer than a gift card but not as easy to carry.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

From "Floozy Comes Back"

Hamlet or Another Four Hours I Won’t Get Back

You all know Hamlet by William Shakespeare is one of the greatest plays ever written. If you didn’t know, now you do, and you can go to bed knowing you learned one thing today.

You may be surprised to also learn I am not a fan of the play. Oh, I recognize the genius of it, and it has one of the most famous and moving soliloquies ever written (To be or not to be....) but frankly it doesn’t have a role for Dolly Parton, and I don’t like plays that preclude the chance of casting her.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

From "Floozy Comes Back"

What Did You Say?

I’ve been accused of not paying attention more than once in my life. By teachers, parents, siblings, girlfriends, friends who are girls, just plain friends, fellow employees, teammates, etc., and who say I’m the poster child for Adult Attention Deficit Syndrome. I think it’s time to explain this once and for all—if I’m not paying attention, it’s because you’re not being interesting. If you’d step up your game, I’d be with you more.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

From "Floozy Comes Back"

My Fitness Goal—and, Yes, I DO Have One

        At the gym—yes, I was at the gym; that shocked expression doesn’t look good on you—I was asked what my fitness goal was. And I answered promptly, “I want to be one of those obnoxious skinny people.” You know the ones I mean: they eat like starving pigs, but they never gain weight. In fact, they are so used to their incredible metabolism that burns fat like a Congressman spends money that they are baffled by people who are overweight.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.