Excerpt from the forthcoming A Little Floozy
I don’t know why I do it. I have a huge list of
things to do that need to be done, but I haven't done them. I kept intending to
do those things and be horribly horribly horribly productive. However, more
important things came up, like searching for a job, getting a haircut, watching
TV, cutting my toenails, sending fan mail to Dolly Parton, putting bars on my
windows so that the aliens can’t get in again, etc. Actually, those aren't more
important things. (Except for that pesky job search; my creditors insist it's
important. I think they need to calm down right now.) Those other things just happen
to be the things that I did instead. I don’t know
Of course, it’s called procrastination. I’m sure we
insanely gifted but humble folk all suffer from it. It’s well known that
Michelangelo was a genius at procrastination. The Sistine Chapel should have
taken him only a weekend, but he was able to spread it out over four years. By
the way, he got paid the whole time, which is another indication of his genius.
You might be surprised that I suffer from
procrastination. Well, that’s not true. I don’t suffer from it at all; I enjoy
every minute of it. I must; otherwise, why would I do it? Of course, I’m not
lazy. Unlike Michelangelo who used to hang out at pool halls and on street
corners, I stay busy. I just stay busy at other things than what I should be
doing. This is one reason that I have at least six or seven projects going at
the same time so that I have something to switch to when the deadline for my
current project draws near.
I always eventually get things done. Or
have so far. Admittedly, many things get done at the last minute. I’m a firm
believer that, if it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. I
would like to pin this on my newspaper experience with deadlines, but I had
this problem even when I was in grade school, long before my veins ran with
black ink.
I would blame this problem on my older siblings who
are responsible for so many of my problems and will someday be rewarded
accordingly if I ever get around to it, which is unlikely because frankly they
scare me and, if they don't scare you, you're not very bright, but you're cute,
and so you'll probably make out okay in this world. But what was I saying? Oh
yeah, while I would like to blame this on my siblings who dropped me on my head
repeatedly when I was a child in their happy games of basestephen and
stephenball, I'm afraid it's an inherent character flaw.
Yes, I know you're shocked to discover I have flaws.
Me, too. I was totally surprised to find this out. It seemed so unlikely. Who
knew? Don’t raise your hands. It was a rhetorical question.
While the flaw is inherent, it was reinforced in
school where I learned mostly useless facts to regurgitate at regular intervals
(tests) and then in the newspaper business where I interviewed politicians to
learn mostly useless facts to regurgitate at regular intervals (daily
newspapers).
I can’t recall all the times a teacher or my editor
stood over my desk waiting for me to finish. No, really, I can’t recall. I wasn't paying attention. I don’t pay attention to authorities. It may be
another flaw. Shh. Don’t tell anyone! It will be our little secret.
But I must point out that I did finish the research
paper, the feature article, and the various rockets, all by the stated
deadline. The secret for productivity for me is to harness the power of
deadlines! If I can learn to set myself deadlines, I can do all sorts of
things: write more books and articles, learn a foreign language, take a shower,
release my neighbors from my cellar, and more.
I’m going to start working on that.
Tomorrow.
Copyright 2013 by Stephen B. Bagley. From the forthcoming book A Little Floozy. All rights reserved. No copying without express written permission from the author and the publisher Many Rivers Harbor.
