One, I am not passive aggressive. I will confront a person face-to-face or keep my mouth shut. I have been told that people experiencing a face-to-face with me would rather I talked about them behind their back, but I don’t do that. My flying robot monkey warriors have to have a vigorous workout now and then.
Two, I have a lot of friends, and I can only think of a few times when I’ve ever commented on their personal lives online, and those were to request prayer after a tragedy. I can barely keep track of my problems, much less someone else’s. I have a low boredom threshold and the attention span of a gnat on espresso.
Three, if what I write bothers a person, then they can always de-friend me on whatever social media they read it, although I cannot promise that I won’t take that personally and hunt them down for some unpleasantness involving a honey badger, two llamas, and a colony of angry fire ants, but at least they will know what’s coming when I knock on their door at three in the morning.
Four, I write humor. I’m usually making a joke. If someone isn’t sure if I’m joking, they should check with my friends. If they’re laughing, it’s funny. If they’re packing and grabbing passports, then I wasn’t joking. Fly, robot monkeys, fly!
Five, I don’t really have a fifth point, but it seems more important to have five points rather than four, but if you have committed yourself to only four points in your life, I support your position however wrong you are. I’m a supportive person. People say that about me. Or at least they should know that they should.
Six, hah! You didn’t think there would be a sixth point, did you? Fooled you! You really need to stay on your toes. Although that’s probably hard on your arches. Ask your podiatrist. We’ll wait.
Seven, here’s a (possible) gardening tip for you. A friend of mine told me that her husband goes out at night, and...well... ah...urinates on their flowerbeds to keep animals from eating the roots and bulbs. I don’t know if that actually works—if you try it, please don’t share your veggies with me—but I do know that now I can’t see him leading choir at church without thinking, You’ve been peeing in the petunias, you weirdo.
Eight, I really believe in what Anglo-American poet W.H. Auden wrote about helping others. He said, “We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”
Nine, I hate hot weather. I get grumpy during hot weather. Well, grumpier. Yes, that is possible.
And finally—watch those sighs of relief—Ten, I am learning Spanish now at DuoLingo.com. I had been learning French, then realized I didn’t even know anyone who spoke French in my area. I know a couple of people who speak French—one like a native because she actually is a native—but they don’t live near. But I know a lot of people who speak Spanish, particularly that pretty young waitress at a local Mexican restaurant who told me the other day that I reminded her of her beloved father. I’ve decided to take that as a compliment. So… Adiós mi amigos!
(*Translated: "Stephen shares one of the dangers of social media")
Excerpted from the forthcoming Floozy Comes Back. Copyright 2016 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved. Thank you for reading.