Sunday, July 31, 2016

Stephen comparte uno de los peligros de las redes sociales *

I’m always surprised when I write something on Twitter or Facebook or MeWe or Google+ or Ello or Pinterest or on one of my five active blogs, and one of my social media friends immediately assumes I’m talking about him/her and goes batweasel crazy. Let’s go over this. Pay attention.

One, I am not passive aggressive. I will confront a person face-to-face or keep my mouth shut. I have been told that people experiencing a face-to-face with me would rather I talked about them behind their back, but I don’t do that. My flying robot monkey warriors have to have a vigorous workout now and then.

Two, I have a lot of friends, and I can only think of a few times when I’ve ever commented on their personal lives online, and those were to request prayer after a tragedy. I can barely keep track of my  problems, much less someone else’s. I have a low boredom threshold and the attention span of a gnat on espresso.

Three, if what I write bothers a person, then they can always de-friend me on whatever social media they read it, although I cannot promise that I won’t take that personally and hunt them down for some unpleasantness involving a honey badger, two llamas, and a colony of angry fire ants, but at least they will know what’s coming when I knock on their door at three in the morning.

Four, I write humor. I’m usually making a joke. If someone isn’t sure if I’m joking, they should check with my friends. If they’re laughing, it’s funny. If they’re packing and grabbing passports, then I wasn’t joking. Fly, robot monkeys, fly!

Five, I don’t really have a fifth point, but it seems more important to have five points rather than four, but if you have committed yourself to only four points in your life, I support your position however wrong you are. I’m a supportive person. People say that about me. Or at least they should know that they should.

Six, hah! You didn’t think there would be a sixth point, did you? Fooled you! You really need to stay on your toes. Although that’s probably hard on your arches. Ask your podiatrist. We’ll wait.

Seven, here’s a (possible) gardening tip for you. A friend of mine told me that her husband goes out at night, and...well... ah...urinates on their flowerbeds to keep animals from eating the roots and bulbs. I don’t know if that actually works—if you try it, please don’t share your veggies with me—but I do know that now I can’t see him leading choir at church without thinking, You’ve been peeing in the petunias, you weirdo. 

Eight, I really believe in what Anglo-American poet W.H. Auden wrote about helping others. He said, “We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”

Nine, I hate hot weather. I get grumpy during hot weather. Well, grumpier. Yes, that is possible.

And finally—watch those sighs of relief—Ten, I am learning Spanish now at I had been learning French, then realized I didn’t even know anyone who spoke French in my area. I know a couple of people who speak French—one like a native because she actually is a native—but they don’t live near. But I know a lot of people who speak Spanish, particularly that pretty young waitress at a local Mexican restaurant who told me the other day that I reminded her of her beloved father. I’ve decided to take that as a compliment. So… Adiós mi amigos!

(*Translated: "Stephen shares one of the dangers of social media")

Excerpted from the forthcoming Floozy Comes Back. Copyright 2016 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved. Thank you for reading.

No comments:

Post a Comment